Lumps, bumps and down in the dumps

 So hi. It's been awhile (eek). This is the last post I started (in November) but never got the chance to finish before the insanity of the warp jump into the hectic holiday season hit (and flattened) me. I'm posting it "as is" lest you guys think I was abducted by aliens (well, it would certainly explain the flake factor, wouldn't it? ;o)

- Jen

Isn't it funny how those two things often coexist? What's that saying again? Blessed to be stressed? Ha. Sadly for the flawed human race (present company coming dangerously close to topping that particular dented can list), it is sadly simple to miss the blessings that are often completely eclipsed by the stressings. Maybe it's because those stressful things are all up in your face like Hollywood-sized block letters of flashing neon blinking madly, while the blessings tend to be in two point light gray type (and if you're seeing spots from all that flashing, well...it's easy enough to overlook, wouldn't you say?). I am, however, going to do what I am supposed to do daily but often forget when I'm busy having a crises-induced spaz fest: and that's count 'em. This is a photo of Mariah, by the way. I managed to squish in a quick trip to visit Sandy the weekend before my surgery since I wasn't too sure how that would end (I think I already told you that, didn't I?) My visits to Sandy's house are always a blessing! Anyway, Mariah's expression just seemed to fit my feelings at the time (if you know what I mean. *laugh*)

The biggest blessing at the moment would be the Divine BENIGN from the recent ovarian cancer question, and praise the Lord! Although you'd think I would have been bouncing off the walls over that one, my reaction was more along the lines of dissolving quietly into a large puddle of relief. Funny how life can change your prayers. I didn't even pray to not have cancer, only that I would be able to accept whatever God's will was. In other words I was ready if He asked me to, but I sure "dinwanna" walk down that particular path again (been there, done that, got the battle scars and a stupid T-shirt collection to prove it ;o) I do like the colors teal and pink together, just not in a ribbon. Know what I mean?

In other blessed news, my Body Language Lens on Squidoo was chosen as "Lens of the Day" which is a big whoopie-do in Squidland. *laugh* Unfortunately, everything else had gotten so crazily insane by then I really didn't get to enjoy it much nor did I have time to respond to all the lovely comments that poured in. Nuts. It's okay though; I can keep those warm fuzzies I get whenever I think about it, right? The biggest surprise came in an email offer to buy the lens; didn't see that one coming ;o) I didn't sell it, but I did make a new friend of sorts. Aiden and his pal Liza are building a monster horseback riding site and trying to generate some interest. I added a link to the lens to try and help them get some more traffic, and Aiden sent us a nice donation (for which we are extremely grateful). If you have a minute, please drop by thehorseridingsite and give them a boost. Tell 'em Jen sent ya. *grin*

On a sadder note, I'm afraid we may be coming to the point where we will have a difficult decision to make about Miss Sarabear. Although this looks like raffia ribbon, it is hay [photo right] and I believe it may be what initially caused Sara's heaves to suddenly and so dramatically intensify. We've been buying our hay (in big round bales) from the same farmer for many years, and never, ever had a problem. This was some very bad, very dark hay that was buried at the very center of a bale; just one of those things, I guess. Some stray dog could have peed in that spot in the field right before it was baled or something. Who knows? It wasn't a big section in the roll, but none of the girls would touch it. None, that is except Sara, who had her nose totally buried in it for reasons that completely escape me (it was dry, but stunk to high heaven - made me gag as I hauled it off). I took it away the moment I saw it, but I'm thinking the damage was already done. The initial steroid shot from the vet in conjunction with the SmartBreathe Pellets (SmartPak) seemed to do the trick, and I was feeling hopeful we could keep her from getting any worse. Then Sara had a series of relapses and her breathing difficulties just spiraled completely out of control. In a sense, Sara has been her own worst enemy in this, as she will not eat her feed if I put anything "else" in it; she'll either dump the whole thing over or flatly refuse to touch it. She has gone from being our chunkiest monkey last summer to looking like the wrong end of a rescue horse. For awhile, she would let me sneak a nutritional supplement into her feed; which is generally used to rehabilitate rescued/starving animals (and how depressing is that?) but now she won't even touch her feed if I put it in there. I just don't know what else to do for her. Although we are able to deworm her by sneaking bits of paste into pellets and hand feeding her until she gets the required amount, dosing her with anything else is out of the question; Sara simply won't allow it. She won't touch any kind of medicine no matter what I put it in (or by itself), she just gives me that "Do you think I'm stupid?" look. Her head shyness (from some idiot show trainer in her early days - halter classes) is SO deeply ingrained that even in her current sorry state - and after a second tranquilizer shot - she reared repeatedly when our equine orthodontist made what she considered a "wrong move" as he worked on her teeth.

Although we're feeding her three times a day, Sara's weight has been slow to return without the added weight gain supplement (I don't want her to founder).  Her interest in food is unpredictable, and sometimes she won't even touch her bucket. Unseasonably warm temps and people burning leaves in the area have only compounded the breathing issues (and not a thing I can do about either one). While I wouldn't go so far as to say Sara is suffering horribly, she is definitely uncomfortable and desperately unhappy to be by herself (but it's for her own safety/well being). We moved the girl's hay roll over by the fence line where Sarabear is so she can still feel part of the herd (and that's where she spends most of her time). My biggest concern at the moment - other than her weight - is a lack of shelter, now that her stall is inaccessible. Her last steroid shot was administered on November 24th and, sadly, does not seem to have made any difference. Actually, the last 2 or 3 steroid shots have not helped her breathing at all (it's 30 days between shots), so there doesn't seem to be much point in continuing to administer them. Because the damage heaves causes is irreversible, my fear is that this is as good as it's going to get which forces us to think in terms of quality of life issues. My poor girl. *sigh* Sara should be more comfortable with the colder winter temps, but right now we're just taking things day to day as this has been a very strange winter season. I hate this. Okay, now I'm depressed (and probably made you sad too; sorry).

Thinking, thinking, thinking... Okay, I

Merry? Ha. In the scary month of May...

I bought the cutest horse stamp the other day from Getting Hooked on Etsy. Since it's me saying this, I'm sure all of you know that means she has great prices in addition to wonderful items. She hand carves her stamps, which I think is absolutely awesome. I thought the funky shape would make it slightly awkward to use, but it actually made it easier. Girl knows her stuff. *grin* She has giveaways on her blog, also called Getting Hooked, (for those of you who like to win free stuff - Woot!) For some reason, even though I don't drink coffee, I just love the cute little coffee grinder stamp she made (here). Maybe it's because I'm an antique junkie and have an old coffee grinder as a cookbook bookend in my kitchen. Please be sure to visit her shop to see all of her wonderful stamps and don't forget the blog (you can tell her I sent ya ;o)

I don't think I've actually blogged this, (though I know we have a blurb on our home page) but Lady has something called Sarcoids. These are non-cancerous growths that can cause a variety of annoying problems and are fairly common in gray horses. Lady's Sarcoids are Nodular, and pretty tough to spot amongst the freckles (I only found hers because I run my hands over the horse's bodies on a regular basis). While we have some fairly effective, very expensive medicine (Xxterra  $75/oz) to treat them, it's on standby in the event another one ruptures (it took the better part of a year to get the one on her tummy under control - it ruptured on its own). The reason the vet suggested we monitor is because if we medicate prematurely it will cause a rupture (and instigate a medical version of world war III). She's up to 5 of them, but they are all small and don't seem to bother her in any way. 
You can see in the photo below how hard the one on the left is to see; it's just visible above my thumb. The one on the right is basically unnoticeable; even with my finger right there:

In addition to Sarcoids, gray horses are also subject to something much more troublesome: Melanomas. According to experts (people lots smarter than me) approximately 80% of gray horses - particularly Arabians - will develop Melanomas after the age of 15. Peachy. I've been watching Lady carefully over the past several years (she's 20), and found the first dreaded Melanoma under her tail the other day. [photo inset] It's not very big (maybe 1/4") so I suspect it hasn't been there very long. Unfortunately, I also noticed several more small, but suspicious looking, bumps underneath her tail (oval on the right and small circle on the upper left). 
Although melanoma is not deadly in horses like it is in people, it is still a very big problem as they can multiply quickly and often grow out of control, causing considerable misery for the horse. If you're really curious, you can search images for "equine melanomas", but only if you have a strong stomach (some of the photos are terrible to see). Lady was an awfully good girl, standing still (at liberty) for me to inspect the underside of her tail and take some photos to share.  I was sure to give her lots of praise and a treat after, and had the (belated) presence of mind to hope that my neighbors were not outside. Pretty sure the sight of me holding Lady's tail in the air with one hand and a camera with the other - all up in her *ahem* personal space - while praising her lavishly would have worried them considerably. Oh my.
Upon closer inspection, I found that she actually had quite a few larger lumps along the hairline of her tail too. To be honest, I felt them before I saw them. Oh dear. I took several photos but never could get the right angle for them to show up so you could see. Tough to spot, but I circled some of them for you:

So now we need to decide what to we're going to do about it. There are a number of options available, most (of course) pretty costly except for the "do nothing" one (which I am not going to go with). I suggested a biopsy - even though I know what it is - since I'm not a vet but DH seems to think my diagnosis was good enough to act on (again I say I'm not a vet). We're still debating. It seems, even that initial step [biopsy] comes with a risk. Depending on who you ask, attempting to biopsy and/or remove a melanoma can release the cancer and cause it to spread rapidly. EEK. I know this can happen with people from my own cancer (if memory serves, it's called "epithelial seeding of the cells"). I'll Google it later. Anyway, my hope right now is to find the balance between responsible horse ownership, proper [halfway affordable] treatment, and minimal suffering on Lady's part. I am researching our options to see what the best course of action is for all of us. 
My regular readers (non-horsey but still much loved ;o) may wish to skip this part, as I am going to list our treatment options to help anyone else out there faced with this decision:
1. Oil Therapy - Frankincense oil, applied directly, has been shown to reduce melanomas. Looked like a fairly inexpensive proactive approach while we are trying to figure out our next move. I ordered some this morning for $15.74 (including shipping) from Edens Garden (here). I'll letcha know.
2. Biopsy/Surgical removal - May (or may not) resolve this particular melanoma, but comes at the risk of triggering more and/or causing metastases. Factor in, too, that Lady has all those others popping up along the hairline. To try to remove them all would probably turn her tail into swiss cheese. Meh.
3. Cimetidine - A tumor shrinking medication also used for ulcers. Lots cheaper than other options, but often stops working after a period of time which would bring us right back to the point we are now. Not sure if there are negative results (like colic) from reducing digestive acids unnecessarily. Anybody know?
4. Laser therapy - This is not available around here; we'd have to haul her up to Auburn for treatment. Not just this time, but again and again as tumors pop up and become troublesome (probably not the best plan financially).
5. Radiation - See answer to #4.
6. Gene Therapy - Cool, but not available yet (they're working on it though!) Probably way out of our price range anyway.
7. Nublada's Formula - at Earth Angel's Herbs (here). Found a couple of positive comments off site, but not a whole lot of info out there. It's unclear how much it costs: the site has $129 for a 2 month supply, but doesn't show shipping. The 4 month supply appears to be $199. Thoughts anyone?
8. Robert McDowell's Herbal Treatments - A two fold internal/external approach (which appeals) to treatment using Bach-based flower remedies (which also appeals). Pricey at $112 for the internal treatment (5 weeks worth) and $23.50 for a melanoma ointment (here), but probably less dangerous than surgery (and likely around the same cost involved). It would also potentially address any and all melanomas instead of one at a time. Since it's in Australia, the shipping is outrageous (looks to be between $20 and $30 - ouch). I did find a pretty good amount of positive info on this stuff (off site) some of which sounds too good to be true - that's a worry. Anybody out there familiar with him?
**If you're reading this, Clancy - do you know anything about McDowell and his herbal treatments? I don't know if he's near you or not down under, but maybe you can ask around your barn. Would you mind?**
Seems Sarabear had some technical difficulties with her fly mask yesterday. *giggle* Doesn't she look cute?

I didn't forget about the giveaway, either. I'm going to post it next time. I'm waiting for a very special task to come through - we've signed up for "GoodSearch" (we're just waiting for their approval - Woo! :o) For those of you unfamiliar, it's a search engine that donates to charity each time you search for something; I'm hoping this will generate a little bit of money coming in anyway (it's a numbers thing, so the more the merrier!) Can you guess who popped up to see what Lady dropped in the water trough over there? Yep, Charity. She's finally stopped spending so much time at the bottom of the tank and is back to zipping around full time with Faith II and Hope II. I'll try to get a shot of those two; they have grown quite a bit since you last saw them :o)
I guess that just about wraps it up for now. Wondering about the "down in the dumps" part? Well, that would be me. Seems I have Shingles (again), and they are in my eye (again). *sigh*. This is why I am publishing my weekly post this Sunday morning instead of sitting in church. I had all these plans for working with Max and taking videos too doggone it, and they are out the window for now. Raspberries to that. 
Thankfully, I know just what to do in such a situation. I'm going to take my medicine, slap on some more Calamine and pout. Good thing I'm fully prepared for a nice sulkfest: 

Well whaddaya want? It was right there next to the Pharmacy :o) Have a blessed day everyone!

 

I missed my anniversary...

Depending on your profession, this month may (ha, couldn't resist) or may not be a really hectic one. To be honest, the older I get the crazier all the months seem to become; do yours? May is when educational employees spend the majority of their time peeling children off the ceiling and wearing out their knees over same (lotta prayer going on there ;o) For those of you who think it "must be nice" to have your summers off, I will say that I can remember having that very same covetous thought. Prior to the diagnosis of DD's hearing loss and my career change, I was a *cough* civilian. I can remember thinking how very lucky teachers were to have all that wonderful time off. Well ahahaha, now I get it (boy do I).  People in the educational field often question their own sanity (present company included) at least twelve times a day. Look where I was with my student this week [photo inset]. Now picture a gymnasium full of fifth graders all learning to shoot a bow and arrow. Yep, gotta be a real nut case to do this job. Summer breaks. Are you kidding? We need all that off time to fit in all those therapy sessions with our shrinks...

Not only is this the last month of school, but it is also time for my very last oncology appointment (I hope). This July, I will be five years out from my cancer. I think that the first and the last appointments have to be the scariest. The first simply because you cannot get your brain around the fact that YOU actually have cancer. The excellent health you thought you had has poofed and you find yourself suddenly facing multiple surgeries, chemotherapy and all kinds of other horrible and heinous things that you must do if you want to live for any length of time. Wondering why I'd worry about the last? Because I am almost there; so close to the big anniversary it's scary. There's also the happy thought that since I was "young" (40), the chances of a recurrence are much higher than if I had been 60 or 70. Rather like giving up your security blanket, I guess (although I'm sure Shadow would let me borrow his ;o)

The further out you get from the initial diagnosis without a recurrence [and the first five years are the diciest] the better your long-term chances of survival. That is provided something else doesn't get you first. The oft-touted percentage of survivors in the high 90s sounds awesome, except that it's only good for five years AND only counts those patients whose death was direct result of their cancer. In other words, if you died during reconstructive surgery, got pneumonia or had a heart attack because of the damage to your system from the chemo, or died at five years and one week, it doesn't count (can you say majorly manipulated statistics?? *rolls eyes*).  I can't help but remember that Elizabeth Edwards [whose husband is a PUTZ] was originally diagnosed with her cancer in 2004 which returned with a vengeance in 2009 just shy of that five year anniversary. I'm praying hard that God will not ask me to walk that particular path again but His will not mine, right? Between the residual fallout from the medications like arthritis, a defective Vegas nerve (digestion), heart blips, etc. and the ongoing aftermath from the muscle disease, plus Fibromyalgia and Raynauds Phenomenon, I'd really like to think I have the medical bases pretty well covered, don't you think? Yeesh ;o)

Things aren't always what they seem, as I'm sure you already know. With that in mind, [and a bit of irony I found funny] I just had to add this little clip I shot of the Girls while we were working on the patio roof. There's nothing so peaceful as a herd of horses grazing on a nice sunny day. A gentle breeze upon the air, tails swishing lazily to and fro...

Appearances Can Be Deceiving from Jen on Vimeo.

Temperatures included, we are definitely getting warmer around here. The almost patio still gets a cheesy grin each time I walk out the door (last post). It will be curing for the next couple of weeks before we can give it a nice rustic finish (and I'm SO ready *bounce*bounce*bounce*)

Before I forget, thanks again to Ann of Anns Snap Edit Scrap, not only for accepting the request to be Epic Farms' very own Digital Diva (didn't know it came with a title, did you girl? *grin*), but also for her help with our fundraiser and mentioning us today on her beautimous blog. We would also like to say thank you to Duke for letting us borrow his mom's creative genius from time to time, so -

Many, many thanks to you both!!

Well, I'm sure that's more than enough of me for another week. Hope yours is wonderfully blessed (even though sometimes those blessings come disguised as character building lessons ;o) Take care!

...and I am tickled PINK!
My husband and I were talking the other day, when it suddenly occurred to me that I had forgotten all about my anniversary. I'm not talking about my wedding anniversary though, I'm talking about cancer. Yep, this past July I was officially four years out, and I completely forgot (yay!). For each year that passes the chance of survival increases; the first five years without a recurrence being the most crucial.  I was 40 and in the best shape of my life when I was diagnosed via my very first mammogram. My risk factor? Less than one percent.  
October is pink ribbon [BC awareness] month which means, ladies, you should go get 'em squashed; it could be more important than you know! The photo is me and my "chemo buddy" (I'm the one with the pink hat ;o) God took him home not long after this photo was taken; he and his wife were a precious couple that went to church with my parents (she still does). His infusions were done through the arm (hence the pillow), while mine were taken through a central line (I had a port surgically implanted near my collarbone). My treatments were every 21 days for a year and a half; it completely eclipses your life and can cast quite the lingering shadow. All I can say is that this survivor (yours truly) is sponsored by the grace and glory of God: Boo-Yeah baby, Woo! If you or anyone you know has been recently diagnosed with cancer, please feel free to visit my Pink Think lens for some helpful information.

Lady and Cinnamon will both be celebrating their 20th birthdays next year. Since a horse is 3 to 1 in people years, this means they'll be turning sixty. My best guess is that they are supposed to share the card (I wonder if this means we'll be able to ask for a senior citizen discount at the feed store now - whaddaya think? :o)
Although I believe we probably had more than two donations, there were only two people that actually left their names for the WEG giveaway.  Since we had two prizes up for grabs; a box of goodies from us, and an Equestrian Collections gift certificate from Stacey at Behind the Bit, we thought we'd have a little drawing to see who got to choose first. I typed each name on a blue piece of paper (horses see blue better than any other color) and let Bella choose the one who gets "first dibs". We're slightly soggy looking - it rained - but we got the job done...the most important thing is that LAURA G. IS ABLE TO GO AND COMPETE - Sorry for yelling (ha ha), I'm just so very excited for her! 
NOTE: In case you're wondering why I said, "Lady, don't help", she was parked right behind DD and stuck her nose about two inches from the camera *grin* (I was kinda thinkin' one blooper was enough :o)

WEG Giveaway from Jen on Vimeo.

I'm posting an updated photo of The Girls' cleaning crew; I still can't get over how fast those little boogers are growing. They were circling in anticipation of an incoming breakfast delivery (you can see Lady's reflection in the water). Personally, I'm thinking that Faith wins the pudgepot award this month. She'd be the tubby little white one on the left...looks kind of like a ping pong ball, doesn't she? ;o)

 Have a great week everyone!