Ahoy! My ship may just be coming in...

No, wait....I think it's sinking,

(and in really bad English, too :o)

Do any of you actually read some of those phishing emails that flood your inbox even though you know they are bogus? After the barrage of political phone calls (not to mention a plethora of postcards), it's kind of a refreshing change. A bit of comic relief, if you like.  
Maybe it's just because my sense of humor is seriously warped, but I got one a few days ago (and another yesterday) that for some reason gave me the giggles. I hadn't read any for quite some time, so I thought I should bring myself up to speed. Apparently Nigeria is no longer the "in" place for those of us inheriting large sums of money; that's now Malaysia. According to Mr. Lakemfa Lawson of the Crime Watch Reimbursement Department (dude, seriously?), Nigeria has switched to *ahem* "reimbursing scam recipients".  
They are still referred to as beneficiaries, however, lest anyone worry about having an identity crisis. I thought it was awfully nice of them to give me my very own reference number too, which was completely different from theirs. Speaking of identity crises, Mr. Lakemfa appears to be having his own, as he starts the letter as an official committee member and ends it as a department. Hm. I'm going to say that crime does not pay nearly as well as death, since they only offered me $150,000 (though it did come in lots of different ways). It was a high tech letter too, with a hyperlink and everything; Just click here...Um, NO.

The second one was even better. It came from Mr. Roger Tan Kur Mee (which immediately put me in mind of Miss Piggy and the "Yes dear" love of her life just back from the beach). Aside from the eye-twitching, toe-curling English (or lack thereof) I have to say that sometimes these emails are awful-ly funny. I've decided to share this one, with my own editorial comments in burgandy. Here goes... 
This is Mr. mohammedyusuf, a Legal Practitioner with Roger Tan
Judiciary and logistics 
at 28th Floor, Public Bank 
Tower 19 Jalan Wong
Ah Fook 80000 Johor Bahru Malaysia.
(Love the Ah Fook - although it sounds like something you would say while simultaneously sneezing and stubbing your big toe).
I was fascinated at glance over your Resumes and thought it proper
engaging with you in this proposition.
(How nice for you to have a fascinating glance; mine just tends to be quick. I am glad to hear you liked all of the resumes that I did not send. My husband is the only person I let proposition me properly though; so sorry).
 who passed away in,
November, 2007 here in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
(Wait, I'm confused...who died? Ah, someone. Got it. And that would be Kuala, as in bear? Lumper? I'm a survivor. Hey, did the bear find a lump? Is that what happened to him?).
your assistance in the distribution of funding that were left in my
late client's bank account. This funding is closed to be declared
un-serviceable by the bank as there were no indicated next of kin or
next of beneficiary of the funding in the bank account.
(You're going to send me money that the bank says is useless because there are no beneficiaries to be found for the funding that is not valid. Uh-huh).
The total amount of cash in the bank account of my late client is US$
12.5 Million (Say, Twelve Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States
dollars Only),
("Twelve million, five hundred thousand United States dollars only" - okay, I said it, now what?)
The bank had issued to me a notification to contact the
next of kin of my late client for either to re-activate the bank
account or to make claim of beneficiary, of the funding in the bank
account, with a month surcharge of 6% to be deducted as an Escrow safe
keeping fee of the bank account, so as to avoid the indefinite closure
of the bank account. My proposition to you is to seek your consent,
and to present your kind self as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my
deceased client, since you have the same last name with him.
(So you need my permission to present my kind of self - as opposed to your kind of self - because I have the same last name with him. And who is him again? Oh, the bear. Right. At this point I'm not entirely sure I know who any of us are; so glad to have your help in keeping it all straight).
This means that the proceeds of his bank account would be paid to you
as his next of kin or the legitimate beneficiary. When the proceeds in
his bank account are paid to you, we shall share the dividend upon
mutual agreement by percentage of 60% to me and 40% to your kind self.
(Golly, that's 40% all for my very own? Really? What a generous and giving soul you are, only keeping a paltry 60% for yourself. Awesome. Nice to know I'm legitimate too; I'm sure my parents will be terribly relieved to hear it. Where do I sign?)
All the legal documents to back up your claim as my client's
next-of-kin would be provided by me. The most important thing I would
need is your honest co-operation and documentary information in this
proposition. This would be done under a legitimate arrangement that
would protect you from any breach of the law.
(It is of great comfort to me that you are offering your legal protection; though I can tell by your brilliant verbosity that this letter is the reel deal. Oh, and I promise not to offer you any type of dishonest co-operation either. That would not be nice of me to do at all. Shall we make it official and do a pinky swear?).
If this business proposition offends your moral and ethical values,
feel free to back out. Please contact me at once if you are interested,
(This business proposition offends me on a number of levels; most particularly the grammatical one - WOW).
Regards,
Bar. mohammedyusuf [ESQ]
Senior Advocate/Solicitor.

Free enterprise and Google Translator.... Ya gotta love it ;o)

Can't sign off without at least ONE photo, so here's our sky on the poster setting: